Red Flags to Be Aware of As You Develop New Relationships
Posted: Friday, September 10, 2010
by Kriss Mitchell
Living Well Counseling and Consulting
As we develop new relationships with people, it is necessary to understand that there are levels to those relationships and if we do not follow the natural and established progression of those relationships, we can find ourselves in trouble no matter whether it is just a friendship or whether we are courting a more intimate relationship.
What do I mean by levels? The levels in a relationship are steps that we take to get to know another person. As we progress from stranger to close friend or intimate partner, we have to give the relationship time to develop so that we can evaluate whether the person is a good fit for our lives, what kind of character they posses and if they can be trusted. We have to take these levels in order, not getting one before the other so that trust and bonding can happen or if we are moving into a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy, abusive or even dangerous, we know that in time to be able to extricate ourselves. In so many relationships these days, sexual encounters come way too early in the relationship and intimate bonding takes place before each individual has had time to evaluate the other person. This kind of bonding then makes it much more difficult to evaluate the "Red Flags" that may come along.
Once trust is established, then there is a time period where we evaluate where the relationship is going and if it is an opposite sex relationship, if we are interested in pursuing a deeper kind of relationship. From there, the relationship becomes more defined, roles are established, boundaries are defined and there is a structure that starts to take place between the two people. Moving forward, a foundation is being laid for a more connected and intimate relationship down the road. Looking at the complexity of these levels of relationship, it is somewhat easy to see why introducing a sexual encounter early on may disrupt the natural flow of things.
However, the focus of this article is what takes place in the early stages of relationship building and what to look for in order to determine whether the person is safe and trustworthy to become involved with. When individuals are not safe and/or not trustworthy there are certain characteristics that tend to pop out over time and we need to understand that in order to evaluate them, we must take time in establishing relationships with a person of the opposite sex. Some of these are just common sense, but some may not be so obvious....let's take a look:
Criminal History - if there is any violence, sexual abuse, substance abuse or histories of any type of crime, a person should consider that a red flag. Patterns of behavior mean something, no matter how much justification is offered. If you don't want to deal with the behavior, understand that if there hasn't been any outside help to change the behavior, it will probably appear in any relationship the individual has.
Employment Record - look for long periods of unemployment, job instability or job dissatisfaction. This may indicate a lack of motivation, an inability to get along with authority or even co-workers and even a mental health/substance use problem in the person's live.
Military Service Record - was there an honorable discharge? That one speaks for itself.
Health and Medical History - is there history of STDs or even HIV? Have they been through rehab? Substance abuse is very detrimental to a relationship and a history of sexually transmitted diseases or even testing for them can show a propensity for commitment issues, lack of respect for themselves or others.
Mental Health History - a history of depression, mental illness or even low self esteem can be a red flag that needs to be observed. Although many people go through their lives with depression and low self esteem, these things can create issues in a relationship because of negativity and lack of boundaries or social skills.
Family History and Relationships with Family Members - How do they resolve differences and disputes? Is the relationship with family healthy? Is there any mental illness, substance abuse, child abuse or domestic violence ? These things change the way individuals deal with stress, change or problems and need to be seriously evaluated before considering progress to a committed relationship. How is mom treated? How does the person treat their father?
Previous Relationships - was there (are there) violence/control issues? Did the previous relationship break up amicably or is/was there bitterness and anger? It may be advisable to speak to the ex to see if their story matches what is being told. Often two people who break up will not have the same reasons, but if the person you are with is minimizing or being evasive, it is worth the time to check out their story.
History or signs of substance abuse or addictions - these things in a relationship can lead to physical violence, financial instability, child abuse, sexual abuse as well as emotional and verbal abuse. When a person's mind is altered in any way, you will not be dealing with the same person you know in a sober condition.
Credit History - Does this person own property, a home, cars, retirement accounts. If not, why not? A good credit history is a good indicator of stability and responsibility.
Treatment of Pets, Animals and Children - any history with them, is patience and understanding shown, have there been any signs of violence? Violence against animals is a clear indicator of significant issues and individuals with a history of this should be avoided.
Pornography - pornography is an indicator of how the individual may be able to connect with another person intimately. Objectification is a fancy word for lack of empathy and connection and it is something that becomes important when someone is addicted to pornography. When a man objectifies a woman, he sees her as one dimensional....like the pictures in the magazine. She has no feelings to be considered, and she is there for his gratification only. The women in the magazines don't talk back, they don't ask for respect and a relationship with them doesn't have to be worked at. This is the problem with pornography, whether it is in print or on the internet. It blinds its victim to emotional connection, honor and respect of the other person in the relationship and as we know, that causes a host of problems in relationships.
Honor and Respect - How does the individual see others? Are people treated with honor and respect or are they yelled at from behind the wheel of the car, pushed aside in order to get to the front of the line or talked about behind their backs?
Ladies - does the man you are involved with ask you for money? Do you feel as though you should pay for things because he can't afford them or doesn't have the money to do what he needs to do........child support, bills, fines etc. Don't do it! It is a sign of irresponsibility and that should mean something to you.
Boundaries - a lack of boundaries means a lack of respect.
Control and/or manipulation - if the person you are with does not accept responsibility for their actions, if they manipulate you or control you; if they won't let you see your friends or family; if they lie and say they didn't....these are major warning signs and you should run, not walk in the other direction.
Legalism - in faith based relationships it is important to recognize legalism. Individuals who use scripture to control/manipulate/dominate another person are operating outside of those scriptures. God is not controlling nor is He dominating. He has given us free will.
Growth - if you cannot be who you are, if you cannot grow inside the relationship then the relationship is not a good fit for you.
Although you may not see the need, it is important to develop a "Screening Committee" of 3 or 4 people you respect and trust who can give you feedback with regard to the individual that you are developing a relationship with. This is especially important if you have a history of getting involved with abusive individuals. Be ready to listen to their concerns and don't minimize them. They are probably the same ones you've had.
No matter what people say, character matters! People are who they really are when no one is watching and that says a lot about character and integrity. Pay attention to these things and it will save you many hours of pain and perhaps financial devastation in your future relationships.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Having been a victim of a "character" that I chose to ignore, this makes a lot of sense for women who want a good man in their lives. Attraction to someone does not mean that person is good to have in your life. You indicated a lot of good points here. Thank you for sharing them.GraceI like your comment about attraction not meaning the person is good for you. Relationships have to be a good fit for them to work. Thanks for your comments!
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